<div id="center">
my heart is racing.
(text-style: "blink")[
[[♡->2]] ]
I think it's because I probably can't get out of it this time.
(text-style: "blink")[
[[♡->3]] ]
I've never stopped to face my feelings before
|output3>[]
(transition: "dissolve")[|output>[]]
(transition: "dissolve")[|output2>[]]
(set: $var to 0)
(live: 1s)[
(set: $var to it + 1)
(if: $var is 2)[
(append: ?output)[but then here they are]
]
(elseif: $var is 3)[
(append: ?output2)[completely trying to control me.]
]
(elseif: $var is 4)[
(append: ?output3)[(text-style: "blink")[[[♡->4]] ]]
]
(elseif: $var is 5)[
(stop:)
] ]
My chest is heavy when it thumps. It goes,
|output>[]
|output2>[]
|output3>[]
(set: $var to 0)
(live: 0.7s)[
(set: $var to it + 1)
(if: $var is 1)[
(append: ?output)[(text-style: "blink")[ba-bum]]
]
(elseif: $var is 2)[
(append: ?output2)[(text-style: "blink")[ba-bum]]
]
(elseif: $var is 3)[
(append: ?output3)[(text-style: "blink")[[[ba♡bum->5]]]]
]
(elseif: $var is 4)[
(stop:)
]]
and it makes me feel sick.
(text-style: "blink")[[[♡->6]]]
I can't face my feelings more than that.
the (text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->7]]] is the extent of everything.
I'm beginning to wonder if things aren't as bad as they (link: "sound,")[(transition: "dissolve")[sound,
or if I just can't feel at all.
(text-style: "blink")[[[xxx->8]]] ]]
(css: "font-size: 367%")[
(text-style: "blink")[[[Fuck.->9]]] ]
What am I supposed to feel?
[[angry]] [[guilt]] [[sadness]]
guilty that he's sick because of me. guilty that mom suffers because of me.
guilty because there can never be a good outcome to my story.
(set: $sad to "guilty")
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->10]]]
sad because nothing is fair. because he's hurt, because mom is sad,
sad because he was crying on the phone.
(set: $sad to "sad")
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->10]]]
angry that he can't function like a normal person. that he ''takes'' and ''takes'' and ''takes'' and still brings suffering to everybody else.
angry that I never got to be close to him.
(set: $sad to "angry")
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->10]]]
I don't think I'll ever know how to feel.
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->11]]]
sometimes I fantasize telling people about myself, about all the secrets I've never said out loud,
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->12]]]
but who am I?
[[a daughter]] [[a friend]] [[a sibling]]
daughters don't have to make things harder.
and mom knows. she knows it wasn't easy, and she fights battles for me that daughters shouldn't have to fight. that mothers shouldn't have to fight.
how could I tell her that I feel $sad?
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->13]]]
a friend doesn't put burdens on a friend. I don't think I even know how. how can you tell someone all your $sad feelings, when there is nobody around who's had to hold up the same weight?
my story is embarassing. //he// is embarassing.
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->13]]]
siblings don't need to hurt each other.
and he knows. and he carries the same weight I do. I don't think either of us knows how to feel. he struggles too.
how do you learn to cope with the things that nobody else has?
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->13]]]
my heartbeat is driving me crazy.
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->14]]]
will I really have to live like this for the rest of my life?
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->15]]]
(css: "font-size: 800%")[
(text-style: "blink")[[[Fuck.->16]]] ]
how do people learn to live like this?
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->17]]]I'm supposed to put up with this
(text-style: "smear")[
|output>[]
(css: "font-size: 150%")[|output2>[] ]
(css: "font-size: 200%")[|output3>[] ]
]
|output4>[]
(set: $var to 0)
(live: 0.7s)[
(set: $var to it + 1)
(if: $var is 1)[
(append: ?output)[(text-style: "blink")[ba-bum]]
]
(elseif: $var is 2)[
(append: ?output2)[(text-style: "blink")[ba-bum]]
]
(elseif: $var is 3)[
(append: ?output3)[(text-style: "blink")[ba-bum]]
]
(elseif: $var is 5)[
(append: ?output4)[for the rest of my life?
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->18]]] ]
]
(elseif: $var is 6)[
(stop:)
]]
|output>[]
(set: $var to 0)
(live: 0.3s)[
(set: $var to it + 1)
(if: $var is 2)[
(append: ?output)[I ]
]
(elseif: $var is 3)[
(append: ?output)[']
]
(elseif: $var is 4)[
(append: ?output)[m ]
]
(elseif: $var is 5)[
(append: ?output)[g]
]
(elseif: $var is 6)[
(append: ?output)[o]
]
(elseif: $var is 7)[
(append: ?output)[i]
]
(elseif: $var is 8)[
(append: ?output)[n]
]
(elseif: $var is 9)[
(append: ?output)[g ]
]
(elseif: $var is 10)[
(append: ?output)[(text-style: "shudder")[ [[crazy->19]] ]]
]
(elseif: $var is 11)[
(stop:)
]] (text-style: "shudder")[
this (link: "constant,")[constant, (link: "unrelenting,")[unrelenting,
(link: "thumping,")[thumping,
(link: "thumping,")[thumping,
(link: "thumping,")[(css: "font-size: 300%")[//thumping,//]
in my chest,
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->20]]] ]]]]]]
//and there's no relief! //
(text-style: "shudder")[
just prolonged suffering,
waiting for the day I might get a fucking (css: "font-size: 300%")[ [[//break,//->21]] ] ]
a hopeless day that will never come! that will (css: "font-size: 150%")[kill me] and (css: "font-size: 150%")[pull me apart] and (css: "font-size: 150%")[sit me down in front of my feelings saying,]
(text-style: "shudder")[
(css: "font-size: 300%")[ [[//look!//->22]] ] ](text-style: "shudder")[
//(css: "font-size: 300%")[look] at what you've done to them! //
how you've (css: "font-size: 200%")[//ruined them,//]
taken every good piece and made them (css: "font-size: 300%")[ [[//rot//->23]] ] from the inside out, ]
(css: "font-size: 200%")[
such a (link: "shameless")[(text-style: "shudder")[xxxxxxxxx]], (link: "hopeless")[(text-style: "shudder")[xxxxxxxx]],
(link: "$sad")[(text-style: "shudder")+(css: "font-size: 200%")[ //$sad// ] excuse for a [[girl—->24]] ] ] (text-style: "shudder")[
how the (css: "font-size: 160%")[fuck] do I learn to (css: "font-size: 125%")[cope]?
//how do I get out of it this time?//
(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!->25]] ]
]
(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->26]]]
(css: "font-size: 175%")+(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->27]]]
(css: "font-size: 325%")+(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->28]]]
(css: "font-size: 500%")+(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->29]]]
(css: "font-size: 675%")+(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♡ ->30]]]
(css: "font-size: 1000%")+(text-style: "blink")[[[ ♥ ->31]]]
(color: "red")+(css: "font-size: 1000%")+(text-style: "blink")[ ♥ ]
i'm so tired.
[[☒->32]]
(color: "red")+(css: "font-size: 1500%")+(text-style: "blink")[ ♥ ]
maybe i was supposed to be sick like this.
[[☒->33]]
(color: "red")+(css: "font-size: 2000%")+(text-style: "blink")[ ♥ ]
maybe he was supposed to hurt me like this.
[[☒->34]]
(color: "red")+(css: "font-size: 3000%")+(text-style: "blink")[ ♥ ]
maybe i'm wrong about everything.
[[☒->35]]
(css: "font-size: 5000%")+(text-style: "blink")[ [[ ♥ ->36]] ]
<div id="left">[[☒->1]] </div>
...i'll get over it.