When the ghosts told me
‘All you have is dying flesh,’
I found that life became harder to swallow.
(mouseover: "I found that life became harder to swallow.")[(transition: "dissolve")[
// (color: #cfe86b)[But I realized something important.] // ]]
(mouseover: "But I realized something important.")[(transition: "dissolve")[That maybe existence was bigger than me. ]]
(mouseover: "That maybe existence was bigger than me. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[Maybe it was okay to feel bad.]]
(mouseover: "Maybe it was okay to feel bad.")[(transition: "dissolve")[Maybe I didn’t need to keep pretending all the time.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->2]] ] ]] </div>
{
(track: 'ghosts', 'playwhenpossible')
}ghosts: https://files.freemusicarchive.org/storage-freemusicarchive-org/music/ccCommunity/John_Bartmann/Royalty-Free_Soundtrack_Music_Album_Two/John_Bartmann_-_15_-_Chill_And_Grill.mp3
They were always supposed to leave me.
At the peak of our friendship,
I thought maybe they could hold my secrets, (mouseover: "I thought maybe they could hold my secrets,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
That I was really ready to share, ]]
(mouseover: "That I was really ready to share,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
But now I’m glad I didn’t.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->3]] ] ]] </div> I’m glad they still sit holed up inside of me,
fantasizing of the day they might be spoken, (mouseover: "fantasizing of the day they might be spoken,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
For when somebody puts their arms around me,]] (mouseover: "For when somebody puts their arms around me,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
Holds me tight and says,]] (mouseover: "Holds me tight and says,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
<div id='c'>(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[‘You’re okay.’]] </div> ]](mouseover: "‘You’re okay.’")[(transition: "dissolve")[
(transition: "dissolve")[And]
<div id='c'>(color: #cfe86b)[(transition: "dissolve")[‘You’ve been doing good.’]] ]]</div> (mouseover: "‘You’ve been doing good.’")[(transition: "dissolve")[
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->4]] ] ]] </div>
(color: #cfe86b)[Regardless of ]
how awful a person I am,
my shame of having secrets,
my being a burden on everyone.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->5]] ] </div>
At the peak of our friendship I didn’t think about ghosts.
Because I was secure in everything.
I thought about nothing and I planted roots;
Told them ✿ ✿✿✿✿ ✿✿✿ (mouseover-replace: "✿ ✿✿✿✿ ✿✿✿")[(color: #cfe86b)[(transition: "dissolve")[‘I love you,’]]
(transition: "dissolve")[And ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶✶✶] (mouseover-replace: "✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶✶✶")[(color: #cfe86b)[(transition: "dissolve")[‘We’ll know each other forever,’]]
(transition: "dissolve")[<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->6]] ] </div> ]] ]
I don’t think they’d admit this,
Or agree with how I feel.
So I’ll never tell them (color: #cfe86b)[how horrible it was,] (mouseover: "So I’ll never tell them how horrible it was,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
(color: #cfe86b)[//How isolating,// ] ]](mouseover: "How isolating,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
How many times I cried and wished that words meant anything at all,
(color: #cfe86b)[Because when I really needed them they weren’t there.] ]]
(mouseover: "Because when I really needed them they weren’t there. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
(transition: "dissolve")[<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->7]] ] </div> ]] ]
I don’t think they’d know how to reflect enough,
They’re consistent in that way.
I guess I just couldn’t see it before.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->8]] ] </div>
When everything went downhill, (mouseover: "When everything went downhill, ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
At the peak of all my secrets, (mouseover: "At the peak of all my secrets, ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
The roots I planted didn’t matter. (mouseover: "The roots I planted didn’t matter. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
(color: #cfe86b)[I realized I didn’t matter.]
(transition: "dissolve")[<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->9]] ] </div> ]]]]]] ]
Life continues without me,
And I realized that we were pretending the whole time.
✿ ✿✿✿✿ ✿✿✿ (mouseover-replace: '✿ ✿✿✿✿ ✿✿✿')[(transition: "dissolve"
)[(color: #cfe86b)[‘I love you,’]]
✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶✶✶ (mouseover-replace: "✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶✶✶")[(transition: "dissolve"
)[(color: #cfe86b)[‘We’ll know each other forever,’]]
// ~~❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣~~//(mouseover-replace: "❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣")[(transition: "dissolve"
)[(color: #cfe86b)[**‘I’ll miss you when you’re gone,’**]]
]
(mouseover: "❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣")[(transition: "dissolve"
)[
]
(transition: "dissolve")[<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->10]] ] </div> ]]] ]
My heart was too far in it to see it for what it was, (mouseover: "My heart was too far in it to see it for what it was,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
(color: #cfe86b)[It was fake.]
I don’t think they even know it was fake. ]](mouseover: "I don’t think they even know it was fake. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
I tried over and over to convince myself it wasn’t,
But now ]](mouseover: "But now ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
When the only ones next to me are ghosts,
(transition: "dissolve")[ <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->11]] ] </div> ]] ]
I can’t believe anything we ever said mattered.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->12]] ] </div>
(color: #cfe86b)[Ghosts] of everyone I know,
Bad memories that leave a bitter taste on my tongue,
Who tell me that existence is bigger than this, (mouseover: "Who tell me that existence is bigger than this, ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
//Than feeling this way. //
(transition: "dissolve")[ <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->13]] ] </div> ]] ]
I wonder about all the secrets I keep tucked in my throat.
I wonder about a person who will love me. (mouseover: "a person who will love me.")[(transition: "dissolve")[
(color: #cfe86b)[A person who’s still a dream away.] (mouseover: "A person who’s still a dream away.")[(transition: "dissolve")[
(color: #cfe86b)[Ghosts] force me to think about these kinds of things,
About the person who won’t leave.
Who will plant roots alongside next to me.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->14]] ] </div> ]] ]]
(link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] the days when I didn’t feel like everything was falling over. ]
(link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] being invited to things. ]
(link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] feeling like I belonged. ]
(link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] being comfortable with myself. ]
(link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] when I didn’t understand,
And I thought having secrets was normal.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->15]] ] </div> ]]]]]]
But when my own ghost told me,
‘All you have is dying flesh,’
I thought for a minute, (mouseover: "I thought for a minute,")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[maybe I’m more than them. ]
I thought, (mouseover: "I thought,")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[maybe it hurts, ]
Maybe they left holes where they used to be nestled in my heart, (mouseover: "Maybe they left holes where they used to be nestled in my heart, ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
But I’m still here without them.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->16]] ] </div> ]]]] ]]
Maybe existence is more than secrets, (mouseover: "Maybe existence is more than secrets,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
Even if they’re a part of me. (mouseover: "Even if they’re a part of me.")[(transition: "dissolve")[
Maybe I am better without my friends, (mouseover: "Maybe I am better without my friends,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
Better (color: #cfe86b)[without the belief] that they cared for me the same.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->17]] ] </div> ]]]]]]
I tried so hard not to change,
To be the version they liked, (mouseover: "To be the version they liked,")[(transition: "dissolve")[
But sometimes I had to retreat. (mouseover: "But sometimes I had to retreat.")[(transition: "dissolve")[
Sometimes I couldn’t hide everything being so hard. (mouseover: "Sometimes I couldn’t hide everything being so hard. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
My secrets are not an undoing fault,
Even if they couldn’t put up with it. (mouseover: "Even if they couldn’t put up with it. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[
(color: #cfe86b)[Even if it meant I couldn’t belong anymore. ]
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->18]] ] </div> ]]]]]]]]
I thank god I didn’t tell them earlier.
That my ghosts are still hidden from them.
My fair-weather friends.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->19]] ] </div>
It won’t stop being painful.
(color: #cfe86b)[I have to keep pretending for a while more. ]
But I know I’ll be okay.
<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->20]] ] </div>
<div id='c'>(css: "font-size: 145%")[<u>(color: #cfe86b)[What the Ghosts Tell Me]</u>]
A Twine Game by Ezgi :)
Music by John Bartmann
https://johnbartmann.com/
Song: Chill And Grill
{
(track: 'ghosts', 'loop', true)
(track: 'ghosts', 'playwhenpossible')
}