When the ghosts told me ‘All you have is dying flesh,’ I found that life became harder to swallow. (mouseover: "I found that life became harder to swallow.")[(transition: "dissolve")[ // (color: #cfe86b)[But I realized something important.] // ]] (mouseover: "But I realized something important.")[(transition: "dissolve")[That maybe existence was bigger than me. ]] (mouseover: "That maybe existence was bigger than me. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[Maybe it was okay to feel bad.]] (mouseover: "Maybe it was okay to feel bad.")[(transition: "dissolve")[Maybe I didn’t need to keep pretending all the time. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->2]] ] ]] </div> { (track: 'ghosts', 'playwhenpossible') }ghosts: https://files.freemusicarchive.org/storage-freemusicarchive-org/music/ccCommunity/John_Bartmann/Royalty-Free_Soundtrack_Music_Album_Two/John_Bartmann_-_15_-_Chill_And_Grill.mp3 They were always supposed to leave me. At the peak of our friendship, I thought maybe they could hold my secrets, (mouseover: "I thought maybe they could hold my secrets,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ That I was really ready to share, ]] (mouseover: "That I was really ready to share,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ But now I’m glad I didn’t. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->3]] ] ]] </div> I’m glad they still sit holed up inside of me, fantasizing of the day they might be spoken, (mouseover: "fantasizing of the day they might be spoken,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ For when somebody puts their arms around me,]] (mouseover: "For when somebody puts their arms around me,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ Holds me tight and says,]] (mouseover: "Holds me tight and says,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ <div id='c'>(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[‘You’re okay.’]] </div> ]](mouseover: "‘You’re okay.’")[(transition: "dissolve")[ (transition: "dissolve")[And] <div id='c'>(color: #cfe86b)[(transition: "dissolve")[‘You’ve been doing good.’]] ]]</div> (mouseover: "‘You’ve been doing good.’")[(transition: "dissolve")[ <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->4]] ] ]] </div> (color: #cfe86b)[Regardless of ] how awful a person I am, my shame of having secrets, my being a burden on everyone. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->5]] ] </div> At the peak of our friendship I didn’t think about ghosts. Because I was secure in everything. I thought about nothing and I planted roots; Told them ✿ ✿✿✿✿ ✿✿✿ (mouseover-replace: "✿ ✿✿✿✿ ✿✿✿")[(color: #cfe86b)[(transition: "dissolve")[‘I love you,’]] (transition: "dissolve")[And ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶✶✶] (mouseover-replace: "✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶✶✶")[(color: #cfe86b)[(transition: "dissolve")[‘We’ll know each other forever,’]] (transition: "dissolve")[<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->6]] ] </div> ]] ] I don’t think they’d admit this, Or agree with how I feel. So I’ll never tell them (color: #cfe86b)[how horrible it was,] (mouseover: "So I’ll never tell them how horrible it was,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ (color: #cfe86b)[//How isolating,// ] ]](mouseover: "How isolating,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ How many times I cried and wished that words meant anything at all, (color: #cfe86b)[Because when I really needed them they weren’t there.] ]] (mouseover: "Because when I really needed them they weren’t there. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ (transition: "dissolve")[<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->7]] ] </div> ]] ] I don’t think they’d know how to reflect enough, They’re consistent in that way. I guess I just couldn’t see it before. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->8]] ] </div> When everything went downhill, (mouseover: "When everything went downhill, ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ At the peak of all my secrets, (mouseover: "At the peak of all my secrets, ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ The roots I planted didn’t matter. (mouseover: "The roots I planted didn’t matter. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ (color: #cfe86b)[I realized I didn’t matter.] (transition: "dissolve")[<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->9]] ] </div> ]]]]]] ] Life continues without me, And I realized that we were pretending the whole time. ✿ ✿✿✿✿ ✿✿✿ (mouseover-replace: '✿ ✿✿✿✿ ✿✿✿')[(transition: "dissolve" )[(color: #cfe86b)[‘I love you,’]] ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶✶✶ (mouseover-replace: "✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶ ✶✶✶✶✶✶✶")[(transition: "dissolve" )[(color: #cfe86b)[‘We’ll know each other forever,’]] // ~~❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣~~//(mouseover-replace: "❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣")[(transition: "dissolve" )[(color: #cfe86b)[**‘I’ll miss you when you’re gone,’**]] ] (mouseover: "❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣ ❣❣❣❣❣")[(transition: "dissolve" )[ ] (transition: "dissolve")[<div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->10]] ] </div> ]]] ] My heart was too far in it to see it for what it was, (mouseover: "My heart was too far in it to see it for what it was,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ (color: #cfe86b)[It was fake.] I don’t think they even know it was fake. ]](mouseover: "I don’t think they even know it was fake. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ I tried over and over to convince myself it wasn’t, But now ]](mouseover: "But now ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ When the only ones next to me are ghosts, (transition: "dissolve")[ <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->11]] ] </div> ]] ] I can’t believe anything we ever said mattered. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->12]] ] </div> (color: #cfe86b)[Ghosts] of everyone I know, Bad memories that leave a bitter taste on my tongue, Who tell me that existence is bigger than this, (mouseover: "Who tell me that existence is bigger than this, ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ //Than feeling this way. // (transition: "dissolve")[ <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->13]] ] </div> ]] ] I wonder about all the secrets I keep tucked in my throat. I wonder about a person who will love me. (mouseover: "a person who will love me.")[(transition: "dissolve")[ (color: #cfe86b)[A person who’s still a dream away.] (mouseover: "A person who’s still a dream away.")[(transition: "dissolve")[ (color: #cfe86b)[Ghosts] force me to think about these kinds of things, About the person who won’t leave. Who will plant roots alongside next to me. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->14]] ] </div> ]] ]] (link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] the days when I didn’t feel like everything was falling over. ] (link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] being invited to things. ] (link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] feeling like I belonged. ] (link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] being comfortable with myself. ] (link: "I miss")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[I miss] when I didn’t understand, And I thought having secrets was normal. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->15]] ] </div> ]]]]]] But when my own ghost told me, ‘All you have is dying flesh,’ I thought for a minute, (mouseover: "I thought for a minute,")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[maybe I’m more than them. ] I thought, (mouseover: "I thought,")[(transition: "dissolve")[(color: #cfe86b)[maybe it hurts, ] Maybe they left holes where they used to be nestled in my heart, (mouseover: "Maybe they left holes where they used to be nestled in my heart, ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ But I’m still here without them. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->16]] ] </div> ]]]] ]] Maybe existence is more than secrets, (mouseover: "Maybe existence is more than secrets,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ Even if they’re a part of me. (mouseover: "Even if they’re a part of me.")[(transition: "dissolve")[ Maybe I am better without my friends, (mouseover: "Maybe I am better without my friends,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ Better (color: #cfe86b)[without the belief] that they cared for me the same. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->17]] ] </div> ]]]]]] I tried so hard not to change, To be the version they liked, (mouseover: "To be the version they liked,")[(transition: "dissolve")[ But sometimes I had to retreat. (mouseover: "But sometimes I had to retreat.")[(transition: "dissolve")[ Sometimes I couldn’t hide everything being so hard. (mouseover: "Sometimes I couldn’t hide everything being so hard. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ My secrets are not an undoing fault, Even if they couldn’t put up with it. (mouseover: "Even if they couldn’t put up with it. ")[(transition: "dissolve")[ (color: #cfe86b)[Even if it meant I couldn’t belong anymore. ] <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->18]] ] </div> ]]]]]]]] I thank god I didn’t tell them earlier. That my ghosts are still hidden from them. My fair-weather friends. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->19]] ] </div> It won’t stop being painful. (color: #cfe86b)[I have to keep pretending for a while more. ] But I know I’ll be okay. <div id="c">(css: "font-size: 500%")[ [[☠->20]] ] </div> <div id='c'>(css: "font-size: 145%")[<u>(color: #cfe86b)[What the Ghosts Tell Me]</u>] A Twine Game by Ezgi :) Music by John Bartmann https://johnbartmann.com/ Song: Chill And Grill { (track: 'ghosts', 'loop', true) (track: 'ghosts', 'playwhenpossible') }