Death is not a lover.
Apr 2nd 2019
(set: $love to 0)
[[I'll meet him anyway.]](set: $name to(prompt: "What did he call you?","Ezgi"))
(set: $num to $num + 1)
//"He called me $name."//
(if: $num is 1)[
[[And I liked it that way.]]
]
(else:)[
[[But I liked it better this way. ->And I liked it that way.]]
]
[[But I asked him to change.->I'll meet him anyway.]] Death wasn't as hollow as you'd imagine.
He was more whole than I was, even if there was nothing to fill in his bones. His body was an empty colouring book; skeletal and bare.
[[I liked his face anyways]]
[[I just didn't look at him]]Death wasn't as hollow as you'd imagine.
(set: $love to $love + 1)
He was more whole than I was, even if there was nothing to fill in his bones. His body was an empty colouring book; skeletal and bare.
With strange and shadowy hair, eyes that were soulless, curious, and completely fucking unfair. He looked like a thing of horror.
Death was more attractive than I can put into words.
And I loved him
[[ because he was there]]
[[ because I was scared]] Death wasn't as hollow as you'd imagine.
He was more whole than I was, even if there was nothing to fill in his bones. His body was an empty colouring book; skeletal and bare.
I hated the sight of him. I couldn't look into the greedy eyes and think, //heart.// It was easier to evade him than you think. Even when I thought about him, his cold lips and metallic taste, I knew better than to start.
Death was more attractive than I can put into words.
And I needed him
[[ because he was there]]
[[ because I was scared]] He was the only one who was ever there. It was when fatigue became my child and everyone left my stomach, that I asked myself **who I am,** (click: "who I am,")[
and **who are they,** ] (click: "and who are they,")[
(link: "and who would actually care,")[and **who would actually care?**
(set: $love to $love + 1)
I realized something valuble.
If anything could exist at all, I denied that nothing could be real.
If all I had was the mirage of nothing, everything else I wanted was //real.// I learned to confirm the existence of his [[love]].
(text-style: "strike") [As if I needed any more pain. ] ]] Fear made me understand my heart. They were always lonely desires that whispered to me, saying
Hide,
(css: "font-size: 86%;")[hide, ]
(css: "font-size: 50%;")[hide. ] (click: "hide.")[
If anyone knew me they'd tear out my eyes. Death knew I wasn't worth the time. He knew that a lonely, fearful heart had the darkest (text-style: "blur")[hushes] to hide.
When everyone else made my mind shake, he soothed me, cooing,
"you'll be okay, [[love]]." ] (set: $v to "because (text-style: "strike")[there was no way] he loved me.")
$v Although believe me when I tell you,
that wasn't a good enough reason to fall in love with him.
Death isn't a [[lover]].
He is a [[drug]]. But Goddamnit if I didn't love him. Every hair on my body pulled towards him, an electric, eclectic, impossible love between a human heart and his deathless soul.
(set: $love to $love + 1)
he would tell me, //"I don't have a soul, $name,"// and I would say,
//**"then why is it I love you more than my brain can handle?"**//
(click: "I love you")[I have a theory that he's always been a lonely thing, too. He told me he doesn't know love.
I told him it's the feeling of hurting inside when you shouldn't be.
[[I touched him]]
[[he touched me]] ] I didn't want to die alone.
(link: "That's it.")[That's it. My (link: "//disgusting,//")[//disgusting,// (link: "//pitiful//")[//pitiful// desire. ]] ]
I was addicted to the feeling of him. I was addicted to hating him.
He drew me closer than I would've ever dared to tip-toe on my own, never drawing a breath for himself;
breathing was mine. time belonged to him.
[[he touched me]]
[[I touched him]] He was so close. His presence was enough to overwhelm my senses, leaving the world in inaudible chaos; there was no noise other than him. The lilt of his soft voice. The clean and dry laughter that rose from the back of the throat.
he (link:"smiled,")[ smiled,(set: $a to $a + 1)
//knowing someday I would smile back at him.//]
and kissed my lips, (click:"kissed")[ (set: $a to $a + 1)
//taking out the darkness from my lungs, infesting me with the taste of cedarwood and things I shouldn't think.//]
and held me, (click:"held")[ (set: $a to $a + 1)
//so strong and tight, not leaving enough space to feel anything other than him; other than his strange warmth that made me nausous and tired and sick; and in return, would let him have any piece of me he wanted.-//
because this was all I had to [[give->take]] to him. ] He was so close. All I wanted was to feel him in what limited way my senses allowed,
(set: $love to $love + 1)
so I (link:"smiled,")[ smiled,(set: $a to $a + 1)
//he would always smile back at me.//]
and kissed his nose, (click:"kissed")[ (set: $a to $a + 1)
//he tasted like aged wine and campfire smoke.//]
and reached for him, (click:"reached")[ (set: $a to $a + 1)
//when I felt his hand in hand with mine, the blood cowered away from his touch, leaving my fingertips cold and filled with needles.//-
because this was all I had to [[take]] from him. ]
Double-click this passage to edit it.
There is no [[give]] and [[take->t2]] with Death. (set: $b to 0)
I am made entirely of what I can offer him.
Maybe that makes me a pathetic creature, but this is my only truth.
He can have it fucking all.
(set: $b to $b + 1) (if: $b is 3)[(go-to: "him")]
---
[[take->t2]]There is only one unholy, sinful, lonely thing I want from him, but I know that it is wrong.
(set: $b to $b + 1)
I know that Death cannot sing a happy melody to make me better,
(if: $b is 3)[(go-to: "him")]
I know he can't fix me,
or help me,
or love me in the same human way I know love,
but he can pretend.
I take from Death what little scraps he's left me.
I take an imaginary option out.
---
[[give]] (link: "I understand.")[I //understand// my feelings towards him now.
I've made the decisions I need to to talk to him.
I'm ready to face [[Death]]. ]
When I met him for the first time, I knew something was wrong with his existence.
I quickly came to accept that there was something //vile// about mine.
[[I can change him.]]
[[I can change myself]] I believed it, I really did.
"All you needed was a push. Someone to fill the hollowness in your bones//- me."//
Death's glare was heavy. **"I know."** He replied.
Why does my chest [[hurt]] so much? (if: $love is > 2)[(go-to: "Death")] I believed it, I really did.
(set: $love to $love + 1)
"I needed you, more than I needed myself. You've said it before, I'm human, //malleable,// change me to be who you need. I can change for you."
Death blinked back at my words. (link: "Silent.")[Silent. (link: "Cold.")[Cold.]]
**"I know you can, $name." **
Why does my chest [[hurt]] so much? Sweat was pooling in my palms, hot and cold.
I was panicking. Why would I agree to meet him?
Everything was ending.
How do I talk to him anymore?
Who **//am I?//**
[[beg]]
[[cry]] "Please-" I begged. The words got choked up in my throat. "Please, don't leave me. I will do anything for you, please-"
(set: $love to $love + 1)
**"I know."** He replied.
And I was torn in two.
"Was it ever [[true]]?" I asked, He stepped closer, powerful and horrible and //painful.//
All I could do was wail. Everything was closing so tight in around me;
there was no air. No air against the man who didn't breathe.
"I hate you," I cried.
Death winced, but didn't react any more than that.
**"I know"** He said.
"Was it ever [[true]]?" I asked, "Did you ever love me at all?"
His words rung clear in my head, so outside and alien.
(click: "words")[
**"I am not a lover,"** he whispered.
The world titlted. "I know." I responded. (click: "I know")[
(click-replace: "...")[(link: "I.. I don't...")[What will make this better for you?]]
**"..."**
(click: "better")[ [[truth]]
[[lie to me]] ]
]]
He closed his eyes. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was taking a steadying breath. The breath I should have been taking.
The world around us went dark.
This is the [[end.]]
There was no voice. (text-style: "blur")[//"This is the choice you made."//] We watched each other, vultures in a storm. Sad, sad birds, with nothing left to offer one another. He didn't speak for a long moment.
And then he didn't need to.
He smiled. That old, feel-good smile that wormed it's way into me, that left me in an upward high. There was a small piece of me that clenched, trying so valiently to keep its grip on the feelings I didn't want to have, but Death knew.
He stepped closer. And closer. And picked up my hand.
The feelings evaporated.
//"[[Yes-]]"// I breathed.
He bowed slowly, eyes affixed to mine, brushing delicate, cold lips atop my skin.
I was (link: "happy.")[ [stupid.]<c|
because [there was no way he ]<a|[loved ]<b|me ]
(click: ?b)[ (replace: ?a)[(text-style: "strike")[there was no way] he ]
(replace: ?c)[(text-style: "strike")[stupid.] //happy.// (replace: ?d)[He placed kiss on my forehead, taking me so far away from the earth. **"That's right,"** he said, lulling my thoughts, **"I love you."**
I was growing [[weak.]] ]]] [ ]<d|(if: $love is > 3)[(go-to: "loveEnd")]
(else:)[(go-to: "emptyEnd")] He took my face in his hands, looking down at me with all his emptiness,
all his hurt.
**"There is a special place in hell for people like you,"** He hummed, pressing his cool forehead against mine. I closed my eyes.
**"Mmm,"** He sighed. **"You were so sweet, $name. So sad, but so sweet. You want the truth?"**
His hands slid lower, the cold running its way down my face before wrapping around my throat.
I looked at [[him,]](text-style: "expand") [**"Why would you agree to meet me, $name?"**] His smile was sharp and predatory.
(click: "sharp")[In an instant he had become someone else, someone who would (text-style: "strike")[hurt me] and (text-style: "strike")[hurt me] and (text-style: "strike")[hurt me] no matter how much I tore out of myself and gave to him.
**"All I've ever been is a monster to you; I can //only// be a monster to your** (link: "kind,")[(text-style: "expand") [**k i n d,"**]
I tried to hold the tears in. I wanted my heart back. I didn't want this smile to be what is //true.//
**"My only truth is not one that will make you h a p p y. Isn't that what lovers are supposed to do? Make you //happy?"//**
I bared my teeth. "I want the [[truth,]]" ]] He was still so beautiful. I could really look at him now. I could really, finally, see Death for just who he was. I was wilting inside of my body, curling and turning gray.
**"How could you love a monster? How can you look at me and say that you //love// me?"**
(link: "speak")[He holds your throat tighter, drowning out the (link: "words.")[(text-style: "strike")[hurt.]
**"The truth?"** He asks. **"Heh, //the truth// is that this isn't easy! You made this so much harder than it's ever needed to be. You, you.. Fuck!"**
There was only him. And [[dizziness]]. ] ]
**"There is no satisfying end for you, [[my heart]]."**
**"Because you gave me all you had."**
Death was crying. Small, black tears that glinted down his face. Diamonds.
**"Because when there was nothing left, you fell in love with death.
you fell in love
with //[[me.]]//"**
(text-style: "blur")[You were dying. He held you, like you've always wanted.
This wasn't what you'd imagined. ]
**"That's all I am, $name. Nothing at all. There is no truth that you are deserving of. And that's all there fucking is to you,"**
He let go of my neck, although his hands weren't so cold to me anymore. He was never too bad.
He scooped me up, pressing me tight to his chest, and nuzzled his lips to my ear.
**"That's all we monsters are, you know. We're nothing. That used to mean something different to me."** Death swallowed hard. **"Who am I?"**
[[who am i]] **"I'm no longer nothing, now that you've loved me."**
We were walking away.
**"But here is where you end, becoming nothing and leaving your creature with existance. Leaving me only your old trust of loneliness"**
(click: "We were walking away.")[[We were walking to someplace better. With no static, and no black, and no red.]<shout|]
**"The truth is I loved you too."**
(click: ?shout)[ [And I felt okay again. And I didn't feel alone.]<cry| ]
**"You've never been alone, my sick, sick heart."**
(click: ?cry)[ [[I know.]] ]
Death kissed me, long and gentle.
**"Thank you for loving me, $name."**
I took in my last breath, and in the face of my lover, I let go.
(text-style: "shudder")[//TrueLove Ending//]
[[Play again->Start]] His laugh was more hollow than his body.
**"You cannot win this game,"**
(click: "win")[
(link: "Win?")["What game?" I whispered.
He leaned in close, putting his nose a finger away from mine
**"I will let you in on a secret, $name. One that you might wish you didn't know,"** There was a current building inside of me, a tidalwave of fear and the unknown.
Death licked his lips, and paused, before speaking:
**//"You will always [[die]] at the end"//**"]] The shock hit me before he did, as everything came crumbling.
Before he could say it, (link: "I did.")[I did.
(link: "I'm dying.")["I'm dying."
Death cocked his head. **"You always have been."**
The blood was warm against my stomach, coating my legs in a sheet of sugary red. Dark, pruney red. Death held no knife. I guess he didn't need to, in the end.
[[My end.]] ]] **"This is your truth."**
I coughed. Blood spatted it's way out of me.
**"I am no lover."**
[[die.]] I hear my body thunk to the ground, and that's it.
That's all there fucking is to me.
**"Aren't you sorry you asked?"**
(text-style: "shudder")[//EmptyLove Ending//]
[[Play again->Start]]
**"Shh,"** He said. **"It's all over now, it's all done."**
His lips found mine, greedy and sore, sucking anything that still resembled life out of me. I couldn't rip him off, and the only time he relented from kissing me was to (link: "say,")[say,
**"Let me take care of you now, small thing,"** (click: "thing,")[
And whatever I felt at that moment washed away; his toungue in my throat taking over every sense I could experience. There was no screaming, no breathing, no feeling at all.
(link: "Just him.")[Just him.(link: "Just cold.")[Just cold.
[[Only //lies//->th]] ] ] ] ] **"I love you,"** He breathed,
But Death doesn't breathe.
**I've always loved you,"**
And there's no way what he says can be true,
**I'm yours,"**
But we both know I belong to [[him.]] My body is dying, but it's all too pretty to complain.
**"I love you, $name. Only you, only //$name."//**
"Thank you," I say in kind,
But Death's smile is one that is mean. One that is making fun of my pathetic, sorry soul. He pulls back, licking his lips.
**"Your young soul is so sweet..."**
I cry [[out-]]**"Goodbye, little one,"**
["Nnh,"]<l| (click: ?l)[Is all my mouth is able to say.]
He gives me one last [kiss.]<m| (click: ?m) [It is dry and tastes like all the words I still have yet to //say.//]
[**"Fuck,"**]<n| (click: ?n)[The only word he speaks as he lets go, letting my body drop to the ground. This is the end, and I have no more feelings to have.
[[die.->di]] ]
**"Too bad you couldn't see me for who I am, $name."**
It's bittersweet, huh?
(text-style: "shudder")[//LyingLove Ending//]
[[Play again->Start]]